Ever since our girls came home in 2004 and 2005, I have wondered, worried, fantasized and dreamed of what it would be like to take them back to their country and culture of birth. Our two adoption trips, two weeks each, gave us a very broad brush experience of this ancient and beautiful people and place. Living in China as citizen and the experience of claiming home in a place where the majority of people look as they do and speak the language expected is just the tip of an iceberg of losses for our girls. This place also represents the place where, no matter how we try to gently present and speak of it, an earthquake sized shift happened in their very young and innocent lives. Their birth parents were not able to parent them – the reasons are still fairly shrouded in mystery, but the outcome is clear. They now live “somewhere between” China and the USA, in a home where they are cherished and adored, even if they don’t always feel so. We all do the best that we can in a story that began with tremendous loss and grief.
That time to return is fast approaching for our family. Bird flu is throwing a slight uncertainty on the trip that we began talking of 8 1/2 years ago and planning in the fall. But it is looking like a go. We have done our best to prepare ourselves and our girls. Sunday afternoons have been spent trying to learn a small fraction of the vast geography, history and culture of this incredible land. We could do this every Sunday for the rest of our lives and never truly be ready. We have opened up to questions and fears – the biggest one is getting separated from us. We have contingency plans in the highly unlikely event that this happens. Because of rising anxiety in our daughters and selves, we have decided that we will pause on the learning and just focus on meeting emotional needs the best we can as the trip speeds toward us.
We have a big laundry basket filled with things to pack – right now they are just thrown in together in a jumble. Long lists have been made, travel arrangements verified and visas received. Packing and concrete travel preparation are the easy parts. Tending to emotional needs is more elusive and doesn’t fit onto my long to do list. Our introverted quieter child has struggled but had no words to express as of late. I have done my best to be attuned to her needs, but that is sometimes quite the challenge for me. It was a huge relief earlier this week when we were able to truly listen and speak to one another during our own unique communication dance. The message was that while she does want to go to the town of her orphanage, she is not ready to go to the actual place of her orphanage – walking through that door is too scary. There are deep heartfelt reasons for this, even if they can’t be communicated with many words right now. We will absolutely honor and respect this. Our other daughter has begged to go back to her orphanage, meet a special nanny and search for her birth parents since she was 4 years old. But the closer the trip gets, the more she seems to wrestle with which pieces for her are adopted child fantasy -reality is becoming slightly clearer. We will support her in every way possible to make the journey back that her heart desires. She has an escape clause up until we walk through those doors. The bottom line for each of them is that they must be the ones to decide how much and when they are ready to go – just this one step closer to the scene of their life earthquake.
As I sit in a favorite local coffee shop to write this down and clear it from the sometimes overwhelming circuit it is running in my head, three beautiful Asian women sit down in the booth right in front of me. I believe they are Korean – my Asian identification skills are weak but improving – and the joy and excitement they are expressing as they chatter away in their native tongue is contagious. Our girls will never be able to do that in their homeland or in their current country. But they do have a similar experience when they get together with other international or trans-racial adoptees. They feel safe, understood and a special connection is evident. They, like many immigrants and people in general, will cobble together a sense of home as they journey on in life. Our homeland trip will be a chance to make ties and to break ties. Each girl will have her own personal experience, as will each of their parents. Our hope is that this upcoming trip back to China will provide a little more peace, a little more identity, a little more vision of “true home” as they continue down the path of making sense of their lives.
